I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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