Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
The Olympian is in my bed
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
