If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
