my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
