He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
