If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize