Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
