Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize