I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
