Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
