Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
