just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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