I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Randomize