Four minutes until I can fart!
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
