I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
