Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
