there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
