I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Randomize
