Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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