She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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