I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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