My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
