Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize