I should be sponsored by Trojan
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Randomize
