i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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