Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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