It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
