you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I accidentally had phone sex last night
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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