the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize