You're my little dorito
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
