New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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