if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
my sisters under your porch take her home
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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