And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
