when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
