Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
