the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
