oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Someone came in the potted fern
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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