i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
