He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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