HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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