just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
