I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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