Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
