When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
