your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
