No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
