I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
