Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
