On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
