Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
