I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
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