I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
