Please, let me fuck your mom
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
