Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
its not stalking. its research.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
