I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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