I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
