I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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