she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
