just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Just invented taco cereal.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
