dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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