So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
