Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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